Thursday, July 19, 2007

i'm such a hypocrite...


i woke up this morning with this weird feelings.talked to kaem and i thought..i must be a hypocrite.there's too many things that i want in my life that could show my hypocritenesses.haihh..but as usual..we are humans....


i might be happy with whatever i have in life..so far..i AM.i am thankful for i am still breathing and yet feel the pain in my head this morning.yep another sign of fever i think..dizziness.anyways,i am happy for i have my mom,dad,lil bro,bro,sis and even the new family members : kak dee,ameer and abg amin.but somehow..being with all of them doesnt make me happy enough? ok,so i add more..i have friends which i can never exchanged with any other things in this world.my crazy bunch who's always there for me through thicks and thins.and my ultimate listeners who'll always listen to my kinkiness and still..i'm unhappy? hhmmm..so i thought..what makes me a better person and thankful for the way i am?? maybe...there's too many things that i wanted in life that sometimes..i could not fulfill all of it that makes me feels like.."haishh..what am i doing??"


sometimes..i want to make everyone happy..but me,i'm not happy?? it's hard to 'jaga hati' semua orang than to take care of ours.does that makes me a hypocrite? i said i will do it..but i didn't..for i have reasons to not fulfilling it..does THAT makes me a hypocrite? i keep on saying i'm a walking contradiction.i'm happy,funny,bubbly,friendly,hardworking,punctual,loving but actually..i'm none of those above..does THAT makes me hypocrite? well,its not that i am NONE of the above..but i CAN be NONE of the above..see..there's too many things that i wanted in life.. i'm always an ambitious person..i hoped that one day i could continue my studies in japan.doing my master there and talk fluently in japanese.and later,i hoped that i could work in one of those japanese industry..but which company..i dunno yet.might be in IT company..or like one of those FUJITSU,TOSHIBA bla bla..so much of ambitious..my a*se! ;p


i had few options in my life..like furthering studies on my own..as in learn MORE japanese,improve my japanese and work at one of the company which requires me to speak japanese.or maybe further my studies in RFID but in JAPAN ( still! ) and while studying while making myself fluent in japanese..hehe..but then..i,myself..am not sure of what i wanna be?? a programmer? a system analyst? research analyst? translator? what else? ..but recently..my options are more on consulting firm.which i have NO IDEA,what it is all about.but yet, requires me to speak japanese..but talking business is NOT me.i never learnt business in my whole life..so i wonder how can i speak japanese and talk about business?woahhh~!! seriously..i can NOT imagine. or maybe..i just work for 2 years..and reorganize my future..maybe in that way..i can try to figure things out.huhuhu.oh well..i hope things will go my way...


but then again..being a walking contradiction, myself, is pretty much being a hypocrite.people see me as innocent..but i dare not to say that..coz i MIGHT be innocent..i guess ;D people see me as smart ass..but tell you what..this smart ass is not smart anymore.maybe i acted like one.haha! very very hypocrite.. ;p so,that is why.....what's with being hypocrite? was it for better or worse? or is it just to cover up what reality's not..hmmm..i feel bad..for what i did to myself.trying to make me believe..that i can be THAT kind of person..but in the end..i am just another person who's trying her best to be THAT person..the harder i try..the farther it gets.so i guess..PEOPLE can be hypocrite sometimes..how,when and where..is subjective..right? 'you' tell me ...

erinchunk circled @ 11:51 AM

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